But how do you tell people that you failed… and how do you let people down?
Just how do you convince them that you did your best… but your best was not enough.
And how do you live with the scar of failing… how do you convince yourself that it was not in your hands this time?
And how do you avoid those tags that come with failing?
How do I move on?
And for once, I needed you to be by my side. I needed you to believe that I can.
For once, I wanted to feel what it means to have someone to lean on.
In fact, I didn’t even want to lean on you.. It would’ve been enough if you just stopped breaking me.
I wish I could tell you that you’re selfish and heartless. I would I could tell you about the countless time you put me down, yet I try even harder to impress you. I wish you knew that I care and you don’t. I wish you knew that every time I cried, it was because your vicious words have engulfed the life out of my soul.
I wish I could break free from all of your chains. I wish I could lean on you. I wish you could love me.
You know when it all sinks in?
You bottle up your feelings and choose to move on without addressing them.. But they all hit you at once, eventually.
And you look for the bright side, but it’s hard.
And it gets harder when everything you found your worth in.. just, some how, disappears.
And it’s even harder when the option of quitting is not valid.. you don’t even have access to the easiest option..
But where and how do you find the motivation to keep going? And how do you tell those who count on you, that they no longer can lean on you because you’re broken?
What’s the spell? Because will-power is not enough anymore.
And just like your perfume, you eventually evaporated too… And I started to look for you between the seasons..
During the summer, I felt your warmth under the sun… and saw your eyes when I looked at the bright moon shining in the far dark horizon..
Bare trees of the fall reminded me of how empty my life is without you…
Then came the winter chills to bring back the chills you left in my heart…
And Spring was everything I hoped you’d give me..
but never did.
“Hi. Keep smiling okay?” He said.
He said that and it was like a little light bulb lit in my heart… when all of the other lights were burnt.. when I was ready to burst into million pieces of pain..
It was as if this old man was some sort of a message to tell me that God is near.. he’s close by listening to all of my moans at night when everyone else has fallen asleep.
Thank you sir, I shall not lose hope and I shall keep that one little bulb you lit in my heart shinning…
You offend yourself when you throw yourself at those who cannot carry you,
you offend yourself with every minuet you spend waiting for someone who does not care about your presence,
you offend yourself when you care about those who don’t care about your feelings,
and you only harm yourself every time you think about those who don’t even acknowledge you..
~Be for yourself first..
And you run.. as you run you miss all the beautiful things around you… you chase the things you don’t have… but never appreciate the things you do have. You forget about what you have and you become interested in things others have.. but in the end you can’t get what others have and you lose what you have… because you didn’t realize that you simply cannot get everything.
So often we give ourselves the value others around us decide to give us… we sometimes even go as far as fulfilling people’s judgmental comments
even if they were the furthest from reality. It’s really hard to determine whether the comments we get from others are facts or pure hate… so we tend to take them too personally and allow them to unsettle our internal peace. What we need to understand, however, that what people usually say is a reflection of their own self… what people tell you has nothing to do with you… it just speaks for who they are. That’s why no one can make you feel inferior without your consent! We need to truly love ourselves…
Love yourself for all the times you were the only one who stood by yourself. Love your body that continues to carry you daily holding all of your emotions, disappointments and excitement when no one else was there to help you carry them. Love yourself because despite everything you might be going through, you still got up to take down yet another day. Love you and you won’t need the love of anyone else
I love you despite the fact that you’re broken. I love you for the weakness you’re not embarrassed to expose. I love you for your scarred heart. I love you for the pain your past caused. I love you for all the emotions you try to hide. I love you for all the battles you lost. I love you for finding happiness in pain. I love you for the fear you fight. I love you for not trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel but for finding God, who became the light. I love you for not giving up.
“Everyone gets a turn.”
Back in college, a close friend said that to me during a particularly sad period of my life. “Everyone gets a turn.” Something was incredibly comforting about that statement. In four words, it grounded my situation, made me feel not alone, and externalized a feeling into something with a definitive beginning and end. Many people have felt what you’ve felt and made it out just fine if not better. It’s temporary, so if anything.. “enjoy the ride.”
From that point, I sorta turned it into a weird philosophy of mine, and began seeing all emotions and situations as rides at an amusement park, something people literally have to take turns for. The park being my life and the rides covering all types of emotions. How’s that for a new take on the term “emotional rollercoaster”?
Some of my favorite rides & attractions? Well there’s awesome stuff like “Butterflies in my Stomach” Garden…
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Through My Mind 